Looking within,. again

Feb. 23, 2013

I am back onboard tonight,.almost.

There was an event that happend to me a few weeks ago,. as I had a follow-up with one of my doctors. It was unfortunate that I saw her, NP in the office, whom I had never met.

It start out friendly, but with early signs of hostility upon her entering the room. She apologized for running late,. then quite openingly stated, "'cause I had to just deal with the most DIFFICUT patient"  I held my breath,.oh boy.

she quickly scanned my medications, and OTC, and snipped,. "I have never heard of this one" I looked up at her creditcials on the wall,. then i  quickly said,. "Its an old one." Then she stated with disgust,.. "let me get this straight,. you take something called AMINO ACIDS?!" I quickly scanned the room with hope that she may of just graduated.( amino acids are biochemistry 101) she continued, with her fingers, making quotes in the air,. " so,...they find this bacterial infection,. that quite frankly, I have never heard of,..they treat you and thats it !?!?" "yup,..sort of,...." <crickets> it went down hill from there. she continued to demoralize me about my weight and order tests I couldnt afford, then she demanded to know why I hadn't had a pap,. or a mammogram in the past four years.    wow,...did she even take the time to read my chart,. or just the basic intake info from day one? I have barely left my house in nearly four years!!!

I have , many times repeated this story,. and every time, someone states "you are so out spoken,.why did you let her get away with it" The answer is hard for me to stomach,.I saw myself sitting over there in the lab coat. I was a bit horrified, and even worse,.. speechless.

At a time in my life, and several times over,. I felt that my knowledge was more important then your experiances. I splattered my knowledge, and used words I knew my patients, and their caregivers didnt comprehend. I trained in the 80's, when all the frightening diseases began to emerge at such a pace, that we were trained to keep people 5 feet away,.physically and emotionally. Then came the masks , gloves and garbs that prevented all touch. HIPPA didnt come into hard core status until the mid 90's,. so it wasnt uncommon, I can honestly say I didnt participate, but I did listen in to the gossip of difficult patients. It was frowned upon to become emotionally attached to your patient,. but in home health care, you often saw the same patient 5-7 days a week! you would get to know their families and friends, birthdays, ups and downs,. but you were to NEVER get attached.  if the patient died,. you had a new one waiting for you the next day. you were not suppose to go to the funeral, or send a card. Ties were severed.

Then, after years of this behavior,. that was drilled into your head through meetings and constant training courses,.I was injured.

I will by pass the details,. but I can tell you that I trained many nurses in the art of home health nursing. I trained them, the way I had been trained, taught them how to feel,. and what to think,. it was repetition, at its finest. Corporate first,. you were a close second,. the patient was always last.

I sat for hours each day in the workers health clinic,.the typical dose of medication ,was painkillers, muscles relaxers, and physical therapy. lots and lots of physical therapy. They had the market cornered. As I sat through these doctors visits, and therapy,. I had nothing else to do, but listen to them talk about other clients. They were only doing this for money, diability, they were lazy, drug seeking, I even heard them one time making bets on how much time it would take, and I am assuming it was about how much they could make. I heard talk about their only problems being their weight or attitude. I heard them speak directly to the patient " why dont you just lose some weight and stop wasting everyones time?" can you imagine??? Here was the problem,. Half of them I trained. maybe it was more,. but the way I was trained,. the tried and true methods, that kept the patient constantly at fault,..trained. now I was the patient,. known by the ones caring for me,. and it didnt take much time,. maybe a week,. when I over heard them say the same things, about me.

I always intended to always take care of my patients,. I did so with compassion, and I was always willing to go the "extra mile". I was accurate, on time,.dependable.

now,.I sat in the echos of my own voice. How could someone like myself be convinced that this was the way, the true design of nursing care.  I remember being uncomfortable with alot in the beginning,.but I was bombarded with frightening stories of lawsuits, and codependant behavior, poor behavior that titered on neglagents. So I was carved into the perfect stefford nurse, of cookie cutter design. Perfect.

Here is the problem. None of us are cookie cutter design. we feel, laugh, grieve, and get angry, over things others ignore.

I didnt feel a need, no matter how much it hurt, to defend myself. I let her ramble on, with her over inflated ego,.and her lack of knowledge,.my experiances were so much more then that. Shame we couldnt have a conversation, I had a lot to share, and would have loved to have let her know,.maybe she would actually help someone someday. Maybe one day , she will walk through my office door,.maybe she will listen then,..maybe.

I am grateful to the experiance as a reminder to myself, that I chose a different road,.a different experiance. I am not concerned with my weight, as I am more concerned with my nutrition. I am more interested in growing my own food, and controling my food supply, so that I can continue to heal. I am even more dedticated to helping others find their way out of their own crisis. I want them to re-gain their power and self worth,..yes I am very grateful I met her,. as a reminder of how I use to be and where I am not now, and will never go again. There is one thing I am positive about,....


I am exactly where I am suppose to be.


Keep moving forward, and never EVER give up!