Mar. 13, 2013

First, let me describe myself. Self employed, single mom, business owner, debt free, hospice nurse, massage therapist, crisis volunteer( (9/11, katrina, Fire storms of 98, Hurricane Andrew), gardener, personal trainer. I freely took my skills into hospice houses, and patient centers, into areas most wouldnt tread. I am the go-to person in what ever situation you may be in the middle of, and I would either ride it out with you or pull you through it. I am the person who would promise you, that I would stay by your side, as the cancer consumed your body, until the very end. I never flinch. I am not a wimp. I pick up spiders, bare handed and put them outside.  I will scoot a snake out of my yard with my foot and on occasion have just picked them up and put them back in the woods. I have traveled up and down the east coast with  my son, without a weapon or pepper spray, without a hitch. I have no issues with speaking my mind and telling you exactly how it is. I dont mix my words. I will stop at the car accidents and take over until help arrives. I will calmly convince you, that your going to be ok. I have an amazing memory and recall,..if I only have met you once, I could repeat your story 10 years later, when I met you again. I never cracked a book in college.

That was short of 5 years ago.,......things have changed,..ALOT!!

weak, off balance, lapse of memory, I will stop in mid sentence cause I suddenly forget what we are talking about,. strangly I drive my vehicle right past my house, and have to drive around the block to go back,. I simply forget where I am going.

I can handle all of this,. and I still have my crying times,. but I push myself forward. As I said to my friend last night, "I feel like I go in slow motion" She balked at this and said,. "but you grow your own food and paint gourds, and make beauty products,. your constantly moving!!!"  yes , this is true, but I did 10 times that 5 years ago. Plus it takes twice if not three times the effort. I have plans for my future, it was a 6 month plan with a 5 year long term,..I have barely scratched the surface in a year and a half. The plan hasnt changed,. just the time frame.

Now,. about the panic attack thing....what exactly is that??? I have never had a fondness for mental health issues, and like I mentioned before. I dont flinch,. or I use to not flinch. Now my life seems to be a meca of little attacks that can manifest into a complete melt-down. I dont have alot of room to do this,. I am pretty much on my own during the day, and my best friend/boyfriend doesnt return until late in the evening. when he is here, he fully steps to the plate, but there is nothing he can do 30 miles away. so I go it alone. I have many people who depend on me to show up! My life has shrunk to a 2 mile radius. I panic going into a grocery store, post office, and the bank. I never know when a "dizzy spell" will occur, so the tension begins with just the thought of having to go, and my chest tightens when I walk through the door,and I feel my muscles weaken, sometime my hands tremble, But I walk through the door. If I experiance any kind of mental, emotional, or physical stress, it takes days to recover.  Nobody notices, I said,. I never flinch.

So,. to better insure my healing process, I make my own teas, and use plenty of sedative herbs that work well on the nervous system





:all citrus

:valerian ( I avoid this at all cost,.it smells bad and the taste is even worse)

I drink , eat, and use the oils

I rub the oils on my ears, hands feet (raindrop, reflexology) and inhale the fragrances deeply. I even rub them on the tip of my nose. I carry them with me every where I go. I put them in my lotion bars and in water bottles and mist the air. I put drops of oils on the filter so the whole house smells "calm".

I keep my diet clean, by eating REAL food and grass fed meat and free range chickens and eggs. I also find that the more greens I eat the more I crave them and the more they help.

So,..EAT REAL FOOD!!! If anyone has an excuse to eat fast food, easy pre-made meals, and easy pasta dishes,. its me!! The body is going to react to nutrition, good or bad, so if you intentionally eat processed foods, filled with excitotoxic food enhancers, and stuff that is one point away from being plastic,.then expect your body to react accordingly!

Even Big Pharma understands how this works, and the science behind it, and make products with many of these herbs in it that you can buy over the counter. So I cant be to far off my rocker to reconize the benefits for myself and you shouldnt either.

I do not run around in a panic, with an expectation that I will get dizzy or weak and fall,. it is quite frankly the other way around. I never think about it, until it begins, and often without warning. so I simply return home and take care of myself. I was also told by a practitioner to not allow this to control my life or build up a fear of,..whatever sets it off. so I push through,.I do it anyhow. I wish I could say how proud I am of myself,.but I am not. Not on any level. I am exhausted, frustrated and demoralized by the end of the day. It, quite plainly,. sucks! I get up the next morning,. and I try again.

So during the cold snap, I climbed a 12 foot ladder to close off the top of the green house, and I caulked and painted , part of the fascia around the house where I had removed a gutter, and I drove my car through the ocala national forest with no phone reception, to Ormond beach. I dont use the bank drive through, I park and walk in, I dont have a handicapped sticker, and I intentionally park at the farthest space. I push through, and push some more, because I am better then I was 6 month ago , and a year ago. Nobody notices cause I never flinch.

By the way,. I fell off the ladder and knocked the wind out of my self, and the side of my vehicle is damaged , and I forgot my deposit and bounced 2 checks,..Grrrrrrr!!!!! so if you should spot me driving in the slow lane, with dents in the side of my vehicle, and I appear to be stressed, penniless,  and I look like I am picking my nose,..Im not,. really,....

Im applying therapeutic oil