My life lived as a Lie!
My life began 24 years ago. yes I know I am 47. I can do the math. Up until this point, I had somehow engineered a life directed, over powered and and controlled by others. I was good with it.
Then I discovered,. I was pregnant. I don't know why I didn't see any of the control before,.but now it was a roaring siren blasting in my face. I thought to myself "how much of this do I want to effect my child" and "how do I fight my way out" . So it began,.first and for most,.I needed to be able to support myself and a child,. so educate. I became a CNA, and began my life long career climbing a ladder in healthcare. My marriage eventually dissolved, and I became a single parent. I became a home owner, I became a business owner, then I opened another office, I became an employer, I became self sufficient , debt free, reliable, confidant, admired and hated and loved, looked up to and stabbed in the back.
I was physically , incredible for a woman in her 30's with amazing 12-18 hours days, non stop for years. On the outside I looked amazingly tough, and I was difficult to approach without some form of absurd fear. you simply didn't ask me to train you in the gym without knowledge and consent that you would hurt. You also did NOT get a massage from me unless you were also willing to go through the pain, as I filleted your muscles from their bones.
I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I had positive thoughts, and a purpose driven life, and everything that was entering my life was a direct result of the law of attraction. This included many of the people that remain in my life today,. whether I see them daily or haven't in years. They are still here. I became so well versed in "The Secret" "the 4 agreements" "the power of intent",That I even held classes to explore and enrich the lives of others, we were power houses of growth and understanding, becoming our true selves...to this day I can remember the moment I read,. page 10-11 in "The 4 Agreements" that empowered me to positive thought and the law of attraction. I was never to be shamed nor shackled by my past and the abuses ,others had placed upon my path. I could let go, and be,..well,.. simply wonderful. Life was good, for nearly 13 years I flourished.
Then I fell,... and I fell hard.
Today is my five year mark. Five years of my life that I will never get back. nor do I want it back. Not the last 5 years, but the 13 before that. Without flinching,. I have made my apologies to the people that endured my so called success. As I read through my journals of self discovery,.I was startled to discover,. that things I thought and truly believed were true, were extracted by desire, selfish wants, and a total ego-fest. Of course a more aggressive, assertive, more confident woman will grab the brass ring before another , cause I was knocking you out of the way,. crashing you to the ground. It was certainly hidden behind these "powers of the universe" that I had cornered the market on.
I truly believed that if you changed your thinking , you could change your life. "Turn that frown upside-down !!" I had found my calling,. and it worked! People from all walks of life, came into my life, and I could parade a flood of information upon them. Setting themselves on fire with the burning desire to achieve, to have more,. to be, to say, to have, what ever they desired.
My life also extracted and defined this purpose. Everything I did, turned to gold,.it was the right response, the right action and the perfect result!! The euphoria was incredible. People expected me to say the right thing,. but not without first,. spilling out the painful truth of their circumstances.
Then, my world began to unravel,my perfect sweet world, unshakable, undeniable, life in the making,...little pieces began to fall to the ground. I have wrote about this before in previous blogs and don't wish to rehash it again. It still hurts, I still miss myself, and I want more of myself. I still struggle on some days to get through them.
So as the smoke clears, I am looking around, and looking inside of my self, checking in to make sure I still can,....do,..something.
I have already been through all the emotional roller coaster rides from losing my life as I knew it. For the most part, all I asked for was to get my life back. I didn't think this was a huge request,.but that didn't happen. So I refocused.
I grew food, I planted a huge garden, I shared, I studied, I bought sheep, I changed my diet, I improved, I failed,. I made bad choices, then made better ones,.I bought beef cattle, I studied some more,.everything,.and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING in my garden has an intent. I grew better, healthier,...
I make my own shampoo, hair rinse, soap, laundry detergent, toothpaste, perfume, lotion, deodorant ..and I grew better, healthier,..
I make my own nut butters and snacks and "cheese"from almonds,.I can, all of my own vegetables and freeze fruit, I make tons of kale chips, beet chips, carrot chips,. and bring my own celery along every where I go.
I share,. I share everything I make and everything I grow,...I have so many reasons to have purpose.
Here is what I apologized for. I am sorry I was stronger than you. I am even more sorry for the stamina that I had. I am sorry if I demoralized you for not being able to keep up. I have never had the perspective that you have had.
I really didn't know that "helping you" was so painful. I also didn't know that , dealing with it" "getting over it" and "MOVING ON" were abusive statement, said by people like myself who felt you just were not getting the "power" from positive thinking, and you were where you were, because you choose to be a loser.
I am so sorry I didn't notice your smile or your laughter or your willingness to try and be my friend. THE WORST PART OF ME HAS NOW DEFINED MY LIFE! I am so sorry I accused you of wanting to be sick, wanting attention, and worse,. simply not wanting to get better.
I now know what it is like to be accused of being a drug addict and drunk, and have people walk away and out of my life, because my illness was self inflicted by way of karma or it was to co-dependent, or just a hassle, or inconvenient.
I also now know what it is like to be the now ugly fat middle aged woman, that Dustin Huffman would ignore,. had he not strapped on a bra and a pair of ovaries just to discover how shallow he was. (slow clap,...) I still love Dustin Huffman, however, he looked better in the dress back then, than I would today,..(slow ,..slow,...clap) however,. now that I am "interesting",. he may be willing to have a conversation with me. (one more clap)
Here is what I also received,..more knowledge. I have learned what I learned and the people who need that the most , have arrived. I have people who walked away,. but I have also seen extraordinary kindness and patience that I am just learning now. Maybe I was before, .....maybe
I have extraordinary people that have remained and held the lines, and I never asked them too.
I also have come to the conclusion that if I need to learn anything,.it would be ,. to be less of an asshole, and have more compassion for myself and extend it towards others.
I don't have regret for my life,. I have remorse for the actions I thought were to empower me,tauht by the experts,. with shows on PBS, that "helped" rise me to the top. the thoughts that kept me "successful". All of it taught, by someone else, an abusive scheme for them to be successful themselves, at my expense.
I also, now do not regret the people who walked out of my life. For what ever their reasons were, fear based or not, MY LIFE has never been defined by the ones who WALKED AWAY! I am sorry you felt you had to go, I still miss all of you, but I am VERY ok with that. This is just life, my life, and you are not part of it anymore.
I would like to use the fancy term you hear so much today about "re-creating myself". I deeply feel this is another attempt to control me,. and YOU. If I just discovered that no matter what it looked like,. I was still a sheeple for 13 years,. why in the world would I be willing to grab on to another definition created again, by someone else at my expense.
I am not RECREATING myself,. again,.. and again,.for your approval.
I am just me, and right now I am learning how powerful that is. Like it or not,.get out of the way,. or I will drag you. This has been my most powerful self. My weak,.in need of help,exhausted self.
Everything I thought I needed or wanted in the last 20 years, is now gone,. and I am beginning again. I am five years in to a more compassionate self, more understanding, more knowledge. So I have to say,. that my life began,.. again,. 5 years ago today,.I am still here,. my fragile self. Creating my own path.