Oct. 8, 2014

Full Circle!

Finally, My time has come. Last week, I crossed a finish line and came around full circle. When I started this journey over 2 1/2 years ago, I never saw myself here. I am as easily lead to believe that our food supply is safe and nourishing, as you are.

I became weaker and weaker, my GI problems prevailed, and everything that I have always shrugged off, as a licensed professional, started creeping into my daily life. I was fatigued, brain fog, easily confused, I could not remember ANYTHING!! Never mind, turn off the stove, close the freezer door, leaving a pan to heat on the stove and then walking away. I started having to leave sticky noted all over the house, including reminders to paying my bills.

I still systematicly check all the doors daily, several times a day to make sure they are secured. I also check freezer and refrigerator doors, dryer for forgotten clothes, check the pumps in the garden,.. on and on and on, of constant checks.

Driving my vehicle around town has never been a problem,. but go 1 mile out of town, and bank around a curve, and the ground moved. I fail at finding another word for this condition. I hear 'vertigo alot. I am NOT spinning.If I could put a name to it, I would call it disequalibrium. It not only happens when Im driving, I happens when I have to stand still, or when I am walking and the ground or floor has a slight rise, I will lose my balance, and sometimes even fall. I bring attention to myself being nerly 6 feet tall. I certainly dont want anymore attention then that has brought me.

I have lost my confidance, I no longer feel as capable as I once did, and my chest and mind race out of control several times a day.I feel crazy, depressed, and very alone. My old me, the strong me,. screams everytime. Get up, move forward. KEEP GOING! I walk out to my garden and I plant one row. Its not 20, its one, but I am still doing it. it just never feels complete. 

I watched the Ted video, by Dr Terry Wahls, the day it hit facebook. I remember that day well. I had come home from seeing my doctor, who shrugged his shoulders with what seemed, great disappointment, at my continued decline 6 months past diagnosis and treatment. My labs were normal, but they always had been. I only agreed to the labs out of compliance,not because I thought they would find anything,.I have a stack of labs, xrays and CT scans from 3 years prior, that also showed nothing, even when I was sick.

All the experiance I have, all the education, never prepared me for this. I had become the crazy, attention seeking "GOOMER" (get out of my ER) I literally had nothing else to do at that moment, as my whole body and mind became consumed with self pity, so much self doubt. So I watched the video.

This was a defining moment, as I repeat it in my mind, over and over again. I didnt realize it at the time,.but it set me on this journey of self substaining, healing, recreating my  life, and becoming who I am today,.self.

I cant say looking back, that one person saved me. I only know that this person contacted that person,. and spoke with this person who approached that person,..and here I am today,. wondering how it all happened. 

Here I am,.3 years later. I am doing everything right,. and a bit of wrong,. and pushing forward and sliding back. Most people think I am a puritan, I am not. I miss my cookies. I really miss bread. Gluten free is expensive, and alternative additives like guar gum and xanthen gum,.although a better choice, still effect me. So I wrap everything in lettuce leaves and collard wraps.  I just try to keep it real, butin todays world,.real is 20 extra steps. For a person who exhausts easily, I need 19 of them to get through my day.

So early on, I realizedI need to do something about my protien supply. Even though I was growing everything else,.I was consuming commerical meat. Dr Wahls repeats over and over,. "something is better then nothing" , But after I cleaned up my food supply, I began noticing my palet changed, and a quick decision to treat myself to cookies or a jar of peanut butter, resulted in my ability to taste the racid oils in them,.or seafood or chicken that may have been placed in tap water, now tasted of the chlorine. This was not something I shared with most people, just out of fear of an eyeball roll. I didnt taste these chemicals and rancid oils for years.

I was resentful for a long time, what a really bad deck of cards I had been dealt. I felt like a slave to this world of microwave popcorn and happy meals. For everything I consumed, had to be rendered by myself and only myself. When I had days and weeks and months of exhaustion, I now had to deal with packing, bagging and repeatly trying to find, wholesome, nutritious foods, or simply starving until I could get home to my safe haven.

In this crazy set of circustances, I decided to go to an auction and found 3 sheep. I knew what they were when I laid eyes on them,.blackbellies , a gourmet type sheep. I sat with ranchers and others looking for a good deal, and raised my hand enough times until finally they were mine. I stuffed them into cages and off to the farm I went. What I thought was great and what I placed into the corral, were two different things. I saw them at the auction, and knew they were perfect, what I placed into the corral, were abused , neglected half starved animals.

I could fix this. I would feed them endlessly, fresh from the garden produce, and in 30-60 days, I could send them off to market and up grade my food supply.

did I mention I didnt know anything about sheep? or hoof trimming,.or that they poop pellets like rabbits,..like RABBITS!! I bought a pitch fork to muck out the stalls,. A PITCHFORK!! its very much like trying to pick up that last pea on your plate and it rolls all over the place.

Then at the same auction,. I bought 2 cows,..and all I can say is,. thank god I bought a pitch fork! 

I then began my journey, again,. raising and hearding my animals with great love and respect. I would go to all farmers markets and roadside stands, just to load up on veggies and fruit. I would stand in my kitchen and hand cut them to bite size pieces, I would remove all pits and all bad spots carefully. 

I was truely amazed at the full circle of things,. nothing went to waste. if I didnt eat it, the sheep did, and if they didnt eat it the cow did. I loved this, then a change happened. 

I noticed that one of the sheep "bagged up". What this means to those who dont know, is, sheep start to develop utters about 5-10 days before giving birth. I was about to be  a grandma!!! It was a game changer. However,.I didnt know anything about sheep, I was still learning, but nature has a way of making it happen. I couldnt have stopped this if I tried, and what I thought was a great job of fattening up my sheep, turned into a different direction I didnt know I would take. 

The babies arrived, just like most lambs do, in the middle of the worst night and the worst storm and in the field instead of the birthing stall. anything could of gone wrong, including predators, but amazingly it did not. My only problem was how to get them from the field into the safety of the barn. So I did what anyone else would do.

My boyfriend followed my lead, as I scooped one baby up and he scooped up the other, and we dashed for the barn and a scrimage of lamb football,in the dark with no flash light,in sandels trying to out run the now very angry mama sheep. I zipped into the barn, past the horse, and turned right, I then very quickly backed into the corner, holding the baby lamb at arms lenght, and squatted down so I would look smaller, in hopes that mama sheep would not bash me with her sharp hooves. Mama sheep ran into the stall, and we gently pushed the babies towards her, and then backed out of the stall and closed the door.  We did it.we all stood in the barn looking at each other , trying to catch our breath.

My hands were damp , as were my clothes, from the lambs newly born bodies. I had felt them breath, and I knew, I was starting another journey.